The Salmon Dance

Salmon Facts:

When Salmon are about to spawn (usually when they are fat and dumb enough for me to catch them) they look much different than their ocean stage. I vaguely remember having a vat (if you will) of baby salmon in the hallwayof the old Lakeside middle school building, where we would study and watch them progress from fry to smolt stage. Anyway right now is the end of Humpy Season (Pink salmon) and Coho are running now as well on the inside of Vancouver Island this year as opposed to the outside. Apparently Pinks are the dumbest of the salmon species having a weaker navigational sense and weaker homing instinct, so they often don't spawn in their native stream. This is why they are easy to catch. They practically jump in the boat if you have a Humpy special on your line!

You can catch Chinook (King) year round, but the best chance is usually mid July/August, and in Alaska, but it depends if they are heading to Alaska or spawning in coastal streams. The Sockeye (pictured right) return home from July to October, and you can also find them off the coasts of Japan, and usually near streams that are connected to Lakes, as that is where the frys develop.

But who wants to go fishing in the San Juans when you can go fishing in Mongolia for Salmon three times the size of the current run of Humpies. I also just want to Mongolia it up REAL BAD. Any takers? I'll plan a trip through Ulanbataar! Who wouldn't want to drink Yak liquor in a yurt on the Steppes, gosh! AND ride mini ponies (aka my size)

This could be you (AND ME!!!!)

Check out the cute pony in the back!

Take a look at these Goliaths of Asia's interior:


These Freakishly large Russian Salmon, called Taimen, easily reach 100lbs, and usually live for well more than 50 years. There is a hilarious Mongolian legend about this Taimen that got frozen in the ice flow of a river and the hungry Mongolians would occasionally hack pieces of it off during the winter to eat, and come spring when the river thawed, it simply swam away. These babies get BIG.

The Mongolians call the Taimen 'River Wolf' because they are an exceptionally aggressive predator, eating ducks, rodents, fish and prairie dogs.

These guys have been known to jump out of the water and eat gophers straight from the banks of the rivers. That's right, everybody's lovable Caddy Shack miscreant is the delightful dinner treat of the Taimen. Nothing is more exciting than fishing for a beast that could easily mistake my leg for a swimming rodent. Seeing as how these beasties are bigger than I am, death by flying Taimen is entirely plausible, possible, and in fact, probable.

Oh, and did I mention they don't really have many pain receptors, so flying at your head at 30 mph means nothing to them.

To catch these Leviathans, something called a Chernobyl Gopher is used. Sounds ominous and radioactive- probably both. They also use something called a mouse. It doesn't take much imagination to suspect that it is a real mouse hooked on the end of your fly rod. The best time to fish for them is right meow, I mean now.

Who wants to go??? I wonder if I can count the Taimen on my list of Lvl 2 Carnivores, in my pursuit to become a Lvl 2 carnivore--only eat meats that eat other meats.

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Does anyone else think the word 'thesaursus' conjures the image of the librarian of Dinosaurs? Like a Brontosaurs with reading classes that maybe looks a little something like this?:


More Dino posts later!

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Patches

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Patches, this is not acceptable- so I shall enlighten you all with the antics of my favorite equine. I want one just like him!

I bet a horse raised on cheeseburgers would taste great. sorry I had to say it.

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Fall is Upon us

So the web address hasn't changed, but I thought a more subdued picture was appropriate for the change in weather. To be sure I am not ready for this change, as we had a crappy lackluster summer, not nearly hot enough, and it only lasted for about a month, but it is Seattle, and I guess it keeps the Californians away. I am not ready for the cold by any means. Having to walk Duff in the rain is not a favorite pastime of mine. Nor is standing on the beach watching him play as cold wet sand grates my skin.

Speaking of Beaches, that is what this new picture is of. Sadly it is not one of my photos, but it will have to suffice until I take one that is autumn appropriate. If you can name the location, kudos to you- maybe I'll give you a dollar, since no one figured out the last one-- although- I'll sell you a pretty copy (framed and all) of the Loblolly Bay one, should you want some decoration for your house. I need to turn a profit here people. The other one was taken on Anegada in the British Virgin Islands at Loblolly bay. Cool island. Tricky to get into- you have to enter at the right tide or you hit the submerged coral reefs. I suppose coral is supposed to be submerged, but you get the idea. You have to be somewhat talented and know what your doing to get into the harbor properly. It is also located about 12 miles away from anything else, so if you are a bad seaman, don't even try it. It feels like your heading out into sea, into nothingness, and you breathe a sigh of relief when you see it sitting very very low in the water. Maybe when I get home from the 'Shu' I will post my article I wrote on Anegada for a webzine- I think it is legal to repost my own work? I hope? And I have one on the Highland coos, who are just too cute.

But now onto another post!

P.S. it is located in Washington, DUH

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Fact Checker Unit

This is Hilarious because I had this Job with Alaska Airlines Magazine.

It's about 8 minutes long, and that chick from Flight of the Conchords is in it to boot, but well worth it. I wonder if that Really is Bill Murray's House?

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How do you pronounce Puyallup?

You can do it at a trot
You can do it at a Gallop,
You can do it real slow
so your heart won't palpitate...
Just Don't be late.
Do the Puyallup!
(make sure you load the video!)


giving you the link to the site should simply be enough, but here's a taste of Mutton Busting (I would have loved this as a little kid):


You basically (the kid) hold on to the wily sheep for as long as possible. Sometimes I love the ingenuity of rednecks and their sense of fun.

I want to go this weekend and go pet some Wallabies, who is with me???


One of my favorite parts of the fair- aside from food (speaking of which the Scotish highland games should be coming up if I haven't already missed them), are ze coos.

Highland Heifers. These little buggers are SO cute! I want one. Think of it as a lawn mower.

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For my loyal readers, and those who are sports fans, I would like to introduce The Dawg Dude. All Husky, all the time. And I mean the real Huskies, not some sweater vest sporting, martini sipping, Nantucket emblazoned Yale drop out school huskies.

Just wanted to give a heads up- this post will be edited later in the day, so check back- and check back often. Click on some of my ads why don't you.

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Cool Ranch

You know when you do something so often or so much you dream about it. Well I don't necessarily write for this blog daily, although I try to keep it frequent, but I do think about it regularly even if I don't put the time in to type out my thought processes. I dreamed about this blog last night- that I wrote several posts, therefore I didn't need to do one today. I was relieved. I have tons of topics to write on mind you, but ah the motivation to sit down and flush out that idea.

About what did Dream Alana dream about you wonder? Quintin Tarentino. Don't ask- I have no idea, nor do I remember the other one, but a good guess is on Dragons- because I was thinking about writing on that too. Instead of a Tarentino post which may be appropriate now that I have broached the subject, I am going to talk- or write at you as the case may be- about Doritos, and their awesome effects on the palate.

In high school the main portion of my diet was probably nacho cheese Doritos, and because I played a variety of sports (with varying degrees of success) that is the only reason I wasn't categorized as a sub-species of beluga whale-- the friendliest of whales!

Anyway, I still have cravings for the chippy goodness and crunch provided by that mega corporation Frit-o-lay. Often when recovering from weekend activities I find them at their most flavorful- be that due to my enhanced (or deteriorated) sense of taste, or their superiority in the chip world, I know not. What I do know is that my love of the crunchy goodness is one that seems to transgress or transfer over species boundaries. To the animal who finds all food (apart from ginger) delicious, how does one determine the ultimate foodstuff? Well I'd say leaving one's dinner in the bowl to come follow me around the kitchen while I eat Doritos a good sign. So Duff's favorite food is Cool Ranch Doritos. His eyes bulge out of his head and he will be real patient and do anything you want for a dorito. I bet he could solve complex physics equations or write a essay on String theory if I promised him his own bag of cool ranch. Never underestimate the motivational tool that is Doritos.

Why do they call it cool ranch anyways? It tastes nothing like ranch dressing.

ok more later I gotta run...

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The Britons and the French!

Right now I am watching First Knight starring Sean Connery, Richard Gere, and Julia Ormond. Before you make snap judgments about my personality (which are probably true) you must know that the reason I asked TiVo to record this movie is because of two or three scenes at the begining of the movie which I just think are awesome. The main one being when Arthur, that'd be Connery, meets Guinivere (Ormond, not Gere) at Camelot- lots of military and fiery torches and whatnot.

You also must understand that Joanna and I used to be obsessed with this movie, why I am not really sure, because it's really not that good- although the music is pretty decent- and in fact I think it is one of the First Cd's I owned, ever. Lots of trumpets and horns and drums. All vary dramatic. Composed by Jerry Goldsmith who is responsible for many of the Star Trek themes, including Voyager, (and TNG and First Contact, etc) which is maybe why I find the music so appealing- most of those themes are horn heavy too- you just don't hear hear a lot of French horn anymore....maybe because we hate the French. Shall I start on all my French jokes now? I'll wait a bit later in the post and leave a bunch....


I think Joanna liked it because of all the pretty dresses, I liked it because of Sean Connery, who I will always have, and have had a crush on since I was not more than 6 years old. We also both like horsies, and there are lots of those! Joanna was also obsessed with Julia Ormond- probably because she was in Legends of the Fall with Brad. One of the opening scenes is also of Guinevere in Lyonesse playing soccer, and that was kind of cool with an old leather ball- maybe i'll do a post on the origins of soccer.

My Arthurian history is a bit fuzzy- although I used to know all about the Uther Pendragon- that would be Arthur's dad-- so I had to consult wikipedia. The name Lyonesse, in reference to the Arthurian Legend is an alteration of the Pre-French term Léonois, (a French-like language being commonly spoken at this time as this was after the wars with the Angels/Saxons/Jutes/Romano-Britons, and the Latin name of Lothian in Scotland. Although in Arthurian legend Lyonesse is located somewhere much closer to Cornwall, which incidentally was where the Britons fled to when they were pushed out of central england- Hence King Arthur of the Britons really livinging in Cornwall/Wales area. (understand this is not a complete nor comprehensive caterogorization of the history of these poeple- there have been encyclopedias written on the subject I am sure.)

It is Tennyson's poem Idylls of the King that imbued the legend of Lyonesse sinking into the ocean in modern literature- a literal cop-out used by historians for ages- Uhem Plato, *cough* Atlantis. There is archaeological evidence of a forest visible at very low tides that are said to have been part of Lyonesse before it sank into the sea with a Celtic rendition of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Tennyson refers to Lyonesse as the final battle between Arthur and his son Mordred. What awful names these people had- although I do like the name Baine- one of Arthur's knights.

Right this moment I am watching the scene where Gere runs through the supposedly impossible 'gauntlet'. Probably not so dissimilar from the MTV gauntelet but in 12th Centurey fashion. It reminds me of that dungeon in Super Mario Brothers 2, I think, where you are in the castle and those rocks fall on you when you run underneath them.

I'll have to post more later the Pup is being annoying, maybe when he settles down...

Sorry don't have time to edit!

The French Section aka Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."-David Letterman

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." -Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
-Schwartzkopf (That one is my Fave)

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."---Rush Limbaugh

"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq." —Dennis Miller (Also a favorite)

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."-- Regis Philbin

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." —Mark Twain

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people." —Conan O'Brien

How can anyone govern a nation that has 240 different kinds of cheese? --Charles de Gaulle

“Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada .”–Ted Nugent

“Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day –the description was, ‘Never shot. Dropped once."–Rep. Roy Blunt, MO

(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris , caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." —P.J O'Rourke

The Brief Military History of France:
- Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years' War: Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

- Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War: Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

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